If the parents don’t respond effectively, the child learns that having a meltdown or a temper tantrum will help him accomplish a goal. And since they can’t flee the situation, they fight, and the way that they fight is by acting out or having a meltdown. They’re stuck, whether at the mall, in the car, or at grandma’s house. And very often, flight is not an option because they can’t get out of the situation. If a child is confronted with a situation that he hasn’t learned how to manage yet, his response is fight or flight. The second reason is that meltdowns have worked-they’ve seen that when they have a tantrum, they get what they want. The first reason is that they do not have enough tools to manage their feelings in a new situation or event. Kids have meltdowns and temper tantrums for two reasons. And as long as something works, it’s human nature not to change it. And when he gets his ice cream, the parent has inadvertently taught him that meltdowns work. He just wants to control you and get an ice cream cone. In this situation, the kid has nothing to lose and everything to gain, and he doesn’t care what people think. You feel like a bad parent, and you think everyone around you considers you a bad parent. You do have more to lose: you’re embarrassed, and you can’t accomplish your goal of shopping in the mall. When a child throws a tantrum at the mall and kicks and screams on the floor, he’s saying, “You have more to lose than I do.”Īnd he’s right. They learn what their child has taught them: if you make me uncomfortable, I’m going to make you uncomfortable. In my experience, parents are very resistant to the idea of their kids being unhappy or uncomfortable. And the next time their child is uncomfortable, he or she will simply throw another tantrum. In both cases, the parent may stop the meltdown, but they haven’t taught their child to behave more appropriately. They either go to one extreme and yell, threaten, restrain, or even spank the child, or they go to the other extreme and give in. The parents I’ve worked with often have ineffective ways of responding to and managing their child’s meltdowns.
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